Family on the Edge

Many years ago I received the most wonderful gift- the gift of wings and the direction to fly free.  It came in the form of a letter my mother had written to her children.  Let me first say that these Dear Kids letters had become something we were accustomed to as we had gotten many over the years.  All of us went to boarding schools during high school and these letters were one of the ways my mom communicated with us.  She’d write one letter to all of us, make copies and send them out. (As a side note… getting mail at boarding school was a real highlight!) I don’t remember the content of even one of those letters. Our focus then was wondering which one of us got the original. But this one that came in 1986 was different.  It was my mother sharing herself with us in a way she had never done before, it was my mother giving me an incredible parenting tip even before I was a parent and it was a gift from the heart. My mother had very clearly given us our independence in the most supportive and loving way.  She had communicated to us that she was choosing to have a real relationship with us, one that allowed us to be who we were even when our choices didn’t align with hers or what she wanted for us.  It felt like unconditional love.  Here’s what she wrote:

Dear Paul, Margo, Gail, Jeff, Lisa & Tim,

Happy 4th of July. I know that the 4th is well past, however; I wanted to share with each of you the thoughts that went through my head early this morning as I read my Daily Affirmation for Adult Children of Alcoholics.*

We as parents do not intend to impose our ideals and beliefs on our children- at least not when they become adults, which you all long since are. Yes, in your formative years we do try and teach you standards of ethics and morals which, naturally, are what we believe. It is difficult to draw the line between the formative years and the rest of your lives, and I am sure that the line was transgressed more than once in both directions, and perhaps still is.  Please know that this is not my intent.

 The more I get into the Adult Children of Alcoholics for myself, and the more I hear from those of you who are looking and searching for yourselves, the more I realize how little “independence” you may have from me.

Several weeks after Mother died- or whenever those first days of ‘loneliness’ were over I felt “free” for the first time in my life. I felt that I was my own person. It was a good feeling. I realized then that unbeknownst to me, I had lived a life in my mother’s shadow- always hoping that what I did would meet with her approval.

I don’t want any of you to have to wait until I’m six feet under to get that good good feeling of independence and knowing that you are your own person.

I’m entitled to my own feelings. I may or may not like some of the choices that you make in your lives- but they are your lives and you are the ones that will have to live with your decisions- now and in the future.

So fly each of you- I give you your independence on this Day of Independence and know that as you fly in your freedom you have my love with you.

Mom

The six of us and my parents at their 50th Anniversary Gathering in 2001

I loved getting this letter. As my mother says I was trying to figure out who I was at the time. I always admired my mother. I loved how she related to people and I wanted very much to be like her. I was very aware of where I was falling short by my own assessment and was just beginning to understand that I was not meant to be her… I had to be me.  So, getting this letter was just further validation to the thoughts I was already having. I had to find my own path.

It’s been 23 years since I received this letter and while it was something that I cherished way back then, it is something that I have much more appreciation for now.  Being a mother myself, I have a new appreciation for the gift she gave us as I now know how difficult it is to “let go” of our children.  How incredibly hard it is to see them struggle and yet trust that just like we all have done, they will find their way.  And that way may look very different than what we have in mind.

I will say this… my mother lived up to her words.  And trust me, with the six of us (wild bunch that we were) keeping her promise was challenging at the very least.  My mother has often told me what a good mother she thinks I am.  So you see… I am a lot like her after all.

* Reading from Adult Children of Alcoholics that my mother refers to is posted in on under Free Articles - The Gift of Independence.

Saturday, May 30, 2009 - It was a long and busy day. Chris and I worked with other parents in our high school for the annual Senior All-Night Party project due to come to fruition in just over a week. We got home around 7:00 pm, had our take-out dinner with Ryan and then hunkered down for a movie. Around 11:30 pm I got my aching body up from the couch to go to bed.

Everything was quite normal. But as I got into bed, I felt “different”. Somehow I felt like a bad side cramp coming up and no position could relieve the discomfort. A couple of minutes passed and I found myself tossing and turning, feeling bad because I knew Chris was exhausted and I was not making it easy for him to fall asleep. A couple of minutes later, I was up pacing the room.

By now, Chris is asking me, “Carol, what’s wrong?” I’m trying to explain to him I’m feeling a different kind of pain. Lights go on, and he finds me in agony as I’m writhing in bed. “Do you think you need to go to the ER?” he asks. And because this pain now seems way more than I could handle, my answer is, “Yeah, I think we need to go in.”

Together, Chris and Ryan help me get into the back seat of the car, with a pillow and garbage can (I felt I was going to puke any minute).  Quickly, but apologetically, Chris is driving as fast as he can to get me to the ER because he can hear me moan over every bump and stop he makes with the car. In my mind, I’m feeling deja vu… this is exactly the position I was in 20 years ago when he was rushing me to the hospital while I was in labor with our daughter Allison.

Long story short and about two hours later, post  CAT scan, they confirm a kidney stone. So I now sit here two days post onset waiting for the stone to pass.

I spent that first day home a bit wiped out from all the pain meds and tired out from the ER visit. So I’ve had more quiet time than usual since I’ve canceled some work-related appointments. And here’s the thing I’m most aware… That I am #1 in Chris’s life. I’ve never doubted this, however, in all our busyness of life and with his demanding work schedule these past few months, it would be easy for an outsider to think we weren’t as connected as we actually are.

As I was in the worst of my pains, Chris continually at my side with his loving eyes looking right into mine reassuring and comforting me. He told me how much he wished he could take the pain away, how much he wished it were happening to him instead of me, how much he loved me. When we got home from the ER, he tucked me in bed making sure I was as comfortable as possible. When I was tired from the meds and kept sleeping, he got in bed with me just to be close. He stayed home from work on Monday to continue taking care of me. This was hard for me since for the past couple of months, he has been working crazy long hours.

It’s not that a kidney stone (or any other problem for that matter) has to prove  how much my husband cares for me. I have never doubted how much I am loved in this marriage. Even when we are both going in our different directions, we make the time during the day to cross paths to say we love one another. Life is never too busy for that.

What I know is that when there is authentic love in a marriage, in a family, no matter what happens you’re never alone. And with that you can endure the most challenging of challenges. Kidney stones and all.

Something we enjoy is gathering women for an evening of conversation. It gives us an opportunity to hear what’s on everyone’s mind and in their hearts. We talk about what what’s up now, what lies ahead and how we feel about what we might be leaving or missing as we start new chapters in our lives. When women gather, wisdom is shared. In May we held gatherings in Pleasanton and Cupertino. We gathered women in mid life, teenage girls and even some pre-teens.

We open up and talk about our relationships, our current experiences, our struggles, our joys… and we laugh a lot too! In the end, there’s a special camaraderie amongst all of us. Take a look at some of the things we learn from one another. It’s an article we titled, “Living Your Best is Always Within Reach”. Enjoy.

May 2009 - Meeting in Cupertino

(Left to right, Back Row: Judy Wilson, Dana Kawaguchi,  Joanna Medin, Patti Glick,

Joanne Rose, Lynn Plecque, Winnie Jiang & Cindy Wen

(Left to right, front row sitting on the floor): That’s Carol and Lisa!

At the end of October, Lisa and I (along with friend, Suman) flew over to Maui to attend a Wayne Dyer conference. We had no idea how many people would attend. For all we knew, it could have been an intimate setting of a under 100 folks or so. But, instead we were in a conference room of about 400 people from all over the states and other continents.

It was the first time for both Lisa and myself to see Wayne in person. He is a very entertaining, down to earth gentleman. He seemed very natural and accommodating to all of us who wanted to meet him, have books signed by him, and take photos with him. He generously accommodated the hundreds of folks who wanted to connect with him no matter how brief it had to be. I liked how the first night he arrived very casual in shorts. He also invited anyone who was willing to wake up before sunrise the next morning to join him at the Bikram yoga studio he attends on the island. And many did, our friend Suman being one of them.

Carol & Wayne Dyer

We all walked away inspired in some form or another. This conference was to introduce the concepts of his new book due out in May 2009, Excuses Begone. Until his book comes out, Lisa and I would like to share our notes. So if you’re interested, take a look. There may be some tidbits for you to ward off excuses that are holding you back!

My mother-in-law, Arlene, lives in Santa Barbara. It’s day two of the Santa Barbara/Montecito “Tea Fire”. Unfortunately she was one of the over 5,000 homeowners who had to evacuate. I spoke to her the morning after it began and she was staying with local friends. It was a quick conversation as we were talking on her cell phone and she was concerned about how much more time she would have before her battery ran out. As anyone in her position, it is in afterthought she wished she remembered the charger. But when one is rushed to make urgent decisions, a cell phone charger is clearly not on the priority list.

In those minutes that she did have to gather things, she took her computer, some irreplaceable music from her years and years of dance and one photo of her daughter Lydia. It was one she knew could not be replaced.

For as long as I have known my mother-in-law, (now over 23 years) she is what I would describe a woman of resilience. Arlene is an adventurous woman and with that comes many life experiences that will test how one handles the unexpected and stressful. I know so many folks who if given the same circumstances, would be devastated, overwhelmed, depressed or angry. For example, when she was traveling in the south of France a few years ago, she stopped in a little town cafe to get lunch. Upon her return, her car windows were smashed in and all her possesions on the trip were stolen… passport, luggage, IPOD, camera, clothing, medicines, and all the souvenirs she had collected while on her on the 3-week trip.

Now most folks would have focused on being overwhelmed. But when we spoke with her just hours after it occurred, although initially discouraged about losing “things”, she was more focused on how helpful and kind the French police and embassy had been to her! It is this kind of attitude that I respect and admire about her. She chooses how she will experience her life. And that is the key to resilience and life-long happiness.

This morning, Chris (my husband, her son) called her to check up on how she was doing. After he got off the phone he described her as “energetic” and being her usual self; that is, taking a bad situation and making it into one that she could feel empowered and find ways to serve others in need. She had spent five hours yesterday training with the Red Cross so she could help others in need for these upcoming days of uncertainty. There’s still no guarantee that her home will survive this fire until we all know it’s been 100% contained. Everyone is still at the mercy of the unpredictability of the winds.

I am hopeful that she will return to her home that Chris and his sisters were raised in. But in practicing resiliency as she so eloquently does, particularly in times of great challenge and adversity, I want her to know what a role model she is for me personally. In my own work supporting others in times of struggles, Arlene is one of the many teachers who support the belief in the power of choosing our thoughts and thus, affecting the perception of what we experience. She clearly chooses positive over negative, empowering over dis-empowering, creator over victim.

Arlene with daughters, Rachel & Lydia

So if each of us has the power to choose, and we know we do, then imagine the difference our own quality of life could be if we focus on those thoughts that support us and make us stronger … more resilient.

All my positive thoughts are will you, Arlene.

For those who know my family, we are in the middle of the college application process. And like it or not, with that comes quite a bit of stress. High schoolers today face so many more challenges than we parents did back in the day. Many seniors find themselves applying for anywhere from five to 15 (!) colleges. So naturally that can lead to many late nights, stressed 0ut weekends and parents not knowing how they can support their teen.

About a month ago, I attended a seminar hosted by Challenge Success (Check out this great site: http://www.challengesuccess.org/) and heard speaker Dr. Kenneth R. Ginsburg. He is an excellent, dynamic speaker who had all of us listening intensely to every word he delivered. He’s co-authored a book that I recommend to any high school parent who look for ways to support their teen during this college application process. It’s called, Less Stress, More Success — A New Approach to Guiding Your Teen Through College Admissions and Beyond. It’s a must read.

A couple of weeks ago, our own son, Ryan, just hit his first “submit” button for an early action application. Whew… first one out of the way! He still has more to complete in these next couple of months.

Photo: After hitting his first “submit” button!

Starting from his junior summer, we left it up to him to start the process of selecting possible choices. No pressure, just started the chats about what colleges he was interested in. As parents we were very clear with him (and his sister two years older) that this was his life to lead. The only strong suggestion that Dad had for him was he consider out-of-state schools to broaden his choices. Dad has been great in this process. He has been there for Ryan when he wanted just to brainstorm ideas or review his currently drafted essays. But the most important is that they’ve spent some great quality time together. I could hear them laughing as well as steering off topic and discussing sometimes off-the-wall subjects.

And for me, often I would just sit quietly with the two of them chatting away, observing the bonds still being created even at this point in parenthood. I’d relinquish doing the household chores, my own work or personal pleasure time just to sit with them. Yes, parenthood is about making all kinds of sacrifices, big and small. But in the end, parents all ask themselves, “Have I done my best to support my child?”

Know that for parents as frustrating as this time might feel for you, as deadlines approach and you’re questioning your teen’s focus and upset at their procrastination, that it is many times over more stressful for them. Stop long enough to have heart-to-heart talks with them. Rather than continually drilling over and over negative comments and repeating deadlines that add to their stress, ask them, “What can I do, or not do, to support you?” Just begin there and listen. That’s a good start.

I woke up last Friday morning, August 29^th already on the edge of tears knowing that this was the day I officially become an empty nester. I found it hard to believe that 18 years of my life with Nick had just flown by and here we were in our last moments of life as both of us knew it. Nick will be starting a new independent life away from me and I will be starting a new chapter in my life as well.

I drove Nick to Sac State on Labor Day weekend traffic and while I typically don’t do well sitting in endless traffic, I found I enjoyed it as it extended my time with him. We finally arrived; got Nick checked in to his dorm room and began the task of getting him settled in his new home. He had mentioned a few days before that I could just drop him off, as there would be people to help him move in. I was so not looking forward to that. I expect that in part, Nick wanted to experience his new freedom right from the get go, but I expect part of it was that he too would find it difficult to say goodbye. And yes, it’s true; he had every reason to expect that I’d be a blubbering idiot, which no doubt he wished to avoid. He did tell me on the drive to Sacramento that I could not spend all day crying. I told him that I would hold myself together until I drove away. I kept my word.

Contrary to his comment of just a few days before, I did not just drop him off. I helped him unload the car and made his bed for him. We had dinner together and then I was on my way. My wild thing, the one who makes my heart sing was settled in nicely- he was comfortable and ready for his new nest.

But am I? I have been mentally preparing myself for my empty nest for over a year now. For so long, I feared it and the thought of living alone left me feeling lonely- even before it happened. Proof that it’s not what happens that causes us pain, it is what we make that mean about ourselves. I had been making living alone mean that I was lonely and isolated.

What’s next for me? Who will I be? How will I spend my time? The other day I was at church when one of my favorite people, (one of my living saints) Fr. Padraig Greene of the Catholic Community of Pleasanton reminded us that “happiness is an inside job” and that we must find a “reason to live, a reason to love and one day a reason to die”. So I am now actively involved in that process. I have a reason to live… my life has been good and I have had many, many blessings- some of which took a while for me to see them as blessings. What I don’t quite have figured out is what my living looks like.

In my lifetime, I have been a daughter, a sister, a wife and a mother and those roles have defined who I am. I am still all those roles (except a wife) but this time is for me- to decide what my living looks like. It’s a process of owning all that I’ve accomplished so far, acknowledging my shortcomings and then going for it. I’ll try new things, I’ll venture out of my comfort zone and I’ll find where I belong and who I am. I’m excited about that… even with so many unknowns. And yes, there is some fear, but I’m courageous and I’m ready to do this.

Oh, and by the way… if on my journey I find a reason to love, that will be good too. But I will approach it differently this time. I’ll know that my love is a gift to treasure and be treasured.

I am not alone on this journey… all of us, but particularly women get to this place in life, whether it’s because of our age (okay- menopause), a change in our life circumstances or because a relationship end (divorce) or change (children leaving the home) or simply because it is our time to find out who we are. As T.S. Eliot says: We shall not cease from exploration. And at the end of all our exploring, will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

Carol and I have created a workshop that is spot on for this time in our lives. The workshop is called Back2Me. Our next workshop will be held on Saturday, October 11, 2008. Find out what’s next for you!

It’s the middle of summer already and I find myself eager and anxious at the same time. Nick graduated from high school in June and is getting ready to head off to college. He’s busy enjoying his last summer with his high school friends before they all go their separate ways and I am getting my arms wrapped around my empty nest. It’s an exciting time for Nick and yet, I expect that his excitement is partnered with some anxiety about what it all looks like, how he will do in his new environment and the independence that goes along with leaving home… even when it is to dorm life at Sacramento State.

I have had my own graduation of sorts… after three years of participating in, facilitating and coordinating a divorced and separated ministry through my church, the Catholic Community of Pleasanton, I am stepping down from my role and stepping into life after divorce. Of course, I’ve been in life after divorce for a while now. That’s kind of the nature of divorce. You have no choice but to step into it rather quickly. But this is different- more exciting and hugely scary.

For three years I have been blessed to have some extraordinary folks accompany me in my journey and let me accompany them in theirs. These are men and women of all ages whose life on some level fell apart when their marriages ended. For some the choice to end their marriage was of their making… for others the choice was made for us. The amazing thing is, that in spite of the sometimes overwhelming chaos of this time, they found the courage to feel the fear and do it anyway and to find their spring after the harsh winter of divorce. This experience has been not only life changing for me… it has been life giving. Who knew that something that can be so devastating could also be the catalyst for simply amazing insight and growth?

The time has come for both Nick and me to fly solo…. to see how we do with our new wings. I have this burning question constantly running through my head these days… and it is the same for both Nick’s next passage and for the upcoming changes in my life…. Have I done enough?

Nick has been and continues to be a joy in my life. He is an amazing young man who has made my heart sing since day one (and yes… sometimes that singing might have sounded more like a shriek but that’s to be expected). Our relationship over the years has been close and I feel like I’ve been a pretty darned good parent for the most part… but now I start wondering… have I been good enough?

For myself… I’ve done a tremendous amount of introspective work to rediscover who I am, what my values are and to align the two the best I can. I’m very pleased with the work I’ve done and the life I have and yet the question still burns inside me… have I done enough? Have I done enough work to know how to navigate gracefully in life when so much about it is changing? Have I done enough work to break free of some of my crippling old tapes and mind chatter or at least notice when the old tapes are running?

I know this… When I can step back (or more accurately stand firmly in the present), I am sure that all is well with the world and that Nick and I will both be fine. In fact, we’ll be better than fine. We will shine! The thing I have to remember is that doing well doesn’t necessarily mean that we won’t stumble- we will. It simply means that when we do, we’ll have to re-ground ourselves, shake off the dust, re-fluff our wings and then be off again. Just like life. Some things will always be the same.

To Carol, Fr. Padraig Greene of CCOP, my family, my D/S friends and Elvis… thank you for being the wind beneath my wings. I will forever be grateful for the blessing of your presence in my life.

So here’s to WINGS… and to taking flight! May we all SOAR!

Some of you know that we belong to local networking groups. I (Carol) am currently the president of our local Cupertino BNI (Business Networking International) Chapter, called Business Builders. I’m really honored to be on the leadership team of such a great group of local business folks.

I read a newsletter from Brian Tracy, well-known motivational speaker. I invite you to read his article, “7 Qualities of Visionary Leadership”. He speaks not just to “leaders” in business, but more importantly how to be the leader in your own life.

At Family on the Edge we believe that locked in struggle and chaos of family crisis presents the opportunity for turning heartbreak into new beginnings. We work with families to rediscover and rekindle the hopes and dreams to be the family you want to and can become. If you are a family struggling we begin by asking the simple question, “What is it you want for yourself?” Because we know that it is not until you gain clarity for your own needs and wants within the family unit can you become unstuck from the family chaos and struggle. And it begins by taking charge and responsibility of your own life. Working with us will help you define what that looks like and just how you can make it happen.

Parents, if you seek to help your teen learn to become a leader of his or her own life, then you must model what you want to teach. Family on the Edge Coaching can help. Contact us at carol@familyontheedge.com or call (408) 255-1173 or (925) 600-1765 for your COMPLIMENTARY session.

Saturday, May 10, 2008. We launched our workshop, Back2Me. Nine powerful women took on the task of self-discovery and inquiry at this workshop. “Who am I today when stripped of all the roles I have been to so many that include wife, mother, caretaker, friend, daughter-in-law, etc.?” And we commend each of them for their honesty and their participation in what exposed many raw and heart-wrenching emotions. The intent of the workshop was to help each woman name what change(s) they are facing in their current life. And from there, we helped her identify the blocks that are getting in the way as well as the next steps she will take to embrace the strong and evolved woman she is in order to move forward.

The comments we received included, “It was way more than what I had expected! It was awesome!” and “Great content, good pace and provoked insights.” When asked what was the most significant thing they took from the workshop, we received comments about how powerful it was to accept being present in the moment, that “loving myself is OK”, and “That I am not alone in my journey.”

Next up: A follow-up teleconference call to check in on the actions to support themselves and then the follow-on workshop to maintain and sustain the blossom of these flourishing women.

The camaraderie exhibited during these workshops continues to confirm the power of women and their support for one another. What an honor to be a part of that.