Family on the Edge

Just got this photo from my sister-in-law, Lydia.  It’s of my father-in-law Yates who is turning 75 years “young” tomorrow. He’s on a zip line at Lydia’s home. How could a photo like this not make anyone smile???

Yates on a Zip Line

I am one of the fortunate ones. I married into a wonderful family. As I wish my father-in-law a happy birthday, it’s a perfect opportunity to also express  how special he is to me. I remember over 10 years ago when just the two of us were sitting around my kitchen table. It has always been easy for me to chat with Yates. In particular, to talk about personal feelings of life and relationships. On that day we spoke about my interest in a new career. And at the time, it was to pursue some kind of counseling. I must have sounded wishy washy about my intent because he said something to the effect, “Carol, you’re not getting any younger! If you’re gonna do this, you better get moving!” He even said he would be willing to help pay for my schooling.

I will always be grateful to him for that conversation long ago. More specifically, the confidence that he believed in me.  That belief is one that gave me the push to move onward. It is one of the many things that has led me to where I am today. Yates is a loving father, father-in-law and grandfather. My wish for him is that he know how loved he is by each and every one of us. Thank you, Yates, for believing in each of us as you have… and equally important for your ability to still play and have fun!

Happy Birthday, Yates!

P.S., Lydia, thanks for sharing this photo with our family!

There seems to be a pattern for me during the holiday season. That is, it always puts me in a very reflective mood. I’ve learned it’s because I actually am able to slow my life down enough to BE more than DO. And from that, I have spent the past few weeks journaling, which always allows me to discover more within. My musings for today… I fully embrace and appreciate all the “roles” I am in people’s lives. Here are a few:

I am a daughter to Natsuye (age 80!)

and my dad, Ed (not pictured) (age 84)

 

I am a sister to brother Craig and I am a twin to Cindy…

I am a wife to  Chris… 

I am a friend to Chloe…

 

 I am a mother to Allison …

I am a mother to Ryan…

I am a friend and business partner to Lisa… 

Yes, I am woman of many roles, a few mentioned above. What I know is my life is so full and I feel so loved. In my moments when I ask the big questions:

Am I enough?

What is my purpose?

Is there more?

The answer becomes so clear when I allow myself to sit quietly and reflect on my life and what matters most to me. I read a great quote over the holidays. It is, The richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least. It is so clear, crystal clear (!) to me that there is nothing more I could ask for in my life today. I am surrounded by love and am in continual gratitude for it. I am a very “rich” woman, indeed.

Creating Your Holiday Intentions

I don’t know about you, but I tend to get a little anxious over the holiday season, especially if our

household is the one hosting one of the large family gatherings. I form these expectations that it

“should” be a certain way, I put pressure on that it’s my responsibility that everyone enjoys

themselves, and that things have to look “holiday perfect”. I could go on and on. Logically I know I’m

putting pressure on myself for things I really have no control over.

Is it possible to get a hold of that discomfort and do differently? How does one change the

expectations they create that just don’ serve them in any way? As coaches we know it’s possible, but it

takes work with the support of a structure. I created an exercise to help coach myself through what

resulted in a tool I use and one I’ve shared with many others that really does work!

Last year, two weeks before Thanksgiving, I took out my journal and created My Thanksgiving DayIntentions. (You can do this for any holiday or event,) I remembered the book, “The 7

Habits of Highly Effective People”, written by Stephen Covey and one of his principles is to “Begin with an End in Mind”. So with that, I asked myself, Beginning with an end in mind, what

kind of holidayexperience do I want to create for myself?”

My answers included:

~ To feel as stress free as possible

~ To share responsibilities and trust that others will lend support

~ To create a warm, enjoyable environment

~ To show love and feel connection

~ To have fun, laughter and lightheartedness

Next, I asked myself, “How will I make this happen?” (And I was clear and detailed answering this)

~ Prepare as much as I can before the guests arrive

~ Let go of the need to control everything

~ Ask for help when I need it

~ Stop to make eye contact when speaking with each person

~ Carry myself with grace and gratitude

~ Put people first vs. the need to control the environment

~ Enjoy the day as if it were my last

Next, “What do I want by the end of the weekend?” (Specifically, what did I want to feel for myself?)

~ To know I did my best to honor my intentions

~ Know I made the effort to enjoy time with each person

~ To have mental snapshots of a stress-free, relaxed “me”

~ To see that my family enjoyed themselves and they noticed that I did as well

~ To share my moments of love & gratitude toward my husband and kids

And finally, “What can I do to support my intentions?” (I was specific in my own actions here)

~ Read my journal the week before Thanksgiving

~ Read my journal the night before

~ Share my intentions with my husband and two kids

~ Anchor: Wear Mom’s ring she gave me which represents and reminds me of her optimism and

positive outlook to carry throughout the day.

This exercise works really well because it becomes a detailed blueprint. It allows you to sit and really

ponder what the holidays mean to you and what you want to experience for yourself. Take the time to

try this process today as we approach our Thanksgiving Holiday. I have already and honestly feel less

stressed!

As Ryan is about to embark on his first year of college and Allison is planning to return for her 3rd year, I’m sitting on the edge of my “empty nest”. It’s a phrase used by many and the assumption, at least I’ve always felt, was it was all about feeling “lost and empty” in the role of motherhood in terms of years of care taking and the routines we’ve created around their presence in the home.

Ry and Allison at his high school graduation, June 2009

However, the more I untangle it for myself, the crux of this next stage of life is really about rediscovering who I am. Now for some that may scare you… for others the thought is quite exciting! Back2Me is one our workshops to help accomplish what may feel like an overwhelming, maybe for some unwanted, set of steps in our next “season” of life. In fact, as I write the word “season”, it hits right on target at my emotions I am really feeling. And that is, the feeling that my life is moving onward, presenting me with loads of questions.

• What do I feel about my life thus far?
• Do I feel a sense of accomplishment?
• What’s next?
• What if I don’t know what’s next? Worse yet, fear there is no “next”?
• What does it feel like to know I’m in the last half of my life?
• How do I unleash what is still inside of me?
• Why can’t I reconnect to the passions I had before kids?
• How do I identify and connect to new passions?
• Who am I today?
• Do I like who I am today?
• What are the other major changes affecting my next steps I must consider?
• Do I need to get back into the work force?
• Do I want to try a new career and finally follow my heart/passion?
• What areas in my life have I neglected and now choose to tend to?

This new phase of my life is all about a shift in responsibilities. Now it’s time that I take responsibility for myself again… after all these years! No longer can I use the excuse that I can’t do this or that because of my responsibilities to the home life or to my kids.

Do I feel a bit in the dark about all of this?  Am I clear about what the next phase of my life is going to look like? Is it uncomfortable to feel lost? Yes, yes and yes.

But rather than feel in a panic, I’ve decided to process through with  grace. What does that mean? Well for starters, I won’t put a time limit on when I must know my next steps. It means I’ll allow myself enough stillness to sit a bit in the process of “letting go” to what was. I know journaling works for me so I’ll let myself ruminate and pour out every emotion I have, no matter what comes up. I’ll journal about what my past 20+ years have been all about, what it has meant to mother my children, look at my relationship with my husband, and where’s my motivation to discover a new-found passion or purpose.

And I have faith that once I give myself the gift of time and compassion to process through all of this, that a clarity of some sort will show itself and a spark will ignite as a result of sitting still long enough,  just as it always has for me.

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For my birthday, Lisa offered to give me the gift of a hand analysis reading. She had hers done and she also recommended another friend of ours to try it. He was game and had it done as well. Both had quite an experience with it… an emotional one at that. So when she asked me if I would like to have it done, I at first hesitated. On one level it validated what they already knew about themselves which was affirming. However, the reading also presented each of them with information that resonated on emotional levels they had not expected. It was a powerful experience for each of them. So when Lisa asked me if I wanted my hands analyzed, I had mixed feelings. Would my hands tell me something that I might not be ready to hear?

In a nutshell, hand analysis can give you insight to your characteristics, talents and patterns of your personality and tendencies about yourself.  Analysis allows you to more easily recognize how you deal with life. It does not predict anything about your future. There’s absolutely no judgment relayed about who you are.

 

What I learned from Margaret, who has read 1,000s of hands AND who knew nothing about me, is this. She shared information that I felt were spot on about how I viewed myself both personally and in my work.  And that felt good. But interestingly I could also feel when I was resisting (mostly internally) some things she shared that I didn’t agree with. In fact, I felt, she was really off base.  I had tape recorded the session and all she calmly said was to the effect, There’s no judgment to be had in any of these readings… I only ask you be open to what your hands reflect. Please, listen to the tape and just see how you feel after you listen once, maybe a couple of times more.

And so I did. A couple of days passed and I listened again. Wow… all I can say is I heard myself sounding a bit defensive AND clearly Margaret’s voice never had a tone to put me on defense. Again, I emphasize, there was absolutely no judgment or need on her part to convince me of anything.

Here’s what I learned humbly from this experience…. that when we think we’re listening with an open mind and open heart it is very possible that our own mind chatter closes us off from really hearing the message. When I listened again to the recording, I thought…. How could I have missed the message she was relaying? In fact, what I heard when she asked me to clarify a feeling or thought, I wasn’t even answering her question posed…. RATHER I was answering the question or defending the thoughts I had in my OWN head!

As I took notes from the recording Margaret shared something that resonated so strongly… something that has “turned me upside down a bit inside” (if that makes any sense at all!) I’m just so grateful that I chose to hear more objectively the 2nd time around than from the place of resistance and defensiveness.

The question I wanted to pose… What would you do if given the opportunity to a new perspective that could challenge a current belief you held about yourself?   For me, as uncomfortable or “new” as it may feel, I am choosing to use this information and strengthen my own foundation.

My message is this…. we are all given continuous opportunities for new perspectives. In this case, it happened because I was willing to try hand analysis. For some it’s through self-discovery seminars, books, and workshops.  Some may seem obvious as insights that we embrace, some maybe not so. However, whenever we choose to use that information to ground us firmly to our “truths”, then we can’t help but feel more connected to ourselves… to our most authentic self.  Take it one step further… it is what you will proactively DO with that information that makes all the difference.

Thank you, Lisa, for a gift of my ongoing self-discovery. I am choosing to embrace and connect to ALL of me!

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Many years ago I received the most wonderful gift- the gift of wings and the direction to fly free.  It came in the form of a letter my mother had written to her children.  Let me first say that these Dear Kids letters had become something we were accustomed to as we had gotten many over the years.  All of us went to boarding schools during high school and these letters were one of the ways my mom communicated with us.  She’d write one letter to all of us, make copies and send them out. (As a side note… getting mail at boarding school was a real highlight!) I don’t remember the content of even one of those letters. Our focus then was wondering which one of us got the original. But this one that came in 1986 was different.  It was my mother sharing herself with us in a way she had never done before, it was my mother giving me an incredible parenting tip even before I was a parent and it was a gift from the heart. My mother had very clearly given us our independence in the most supportive and loving way.  She had communicated to us that she was choosing to have a real relationship with us, one that allowed us to be who we were even when our choices didn’t align with hers or what she wanted for us.  It felt like unconditional love.  Here’s what she wrote:

Dear Paul, Margo, Gail, Jeff, Lisa & Tim,

Happy 4th of July. I know that the 4th is well past, however; I wanted to share with each of you the thoughts that went through my head early this morning as I read my Daily Affirmation for Adult Children of Alcoholics.*

We as parents do not intend to impose our ideals and beliefs on our children- at least not when they become adults, which you all long since are. Yes, in your formative years we do try and teach you standards of ethics and morals which, naturally, are what we believe. It is difficult to draw the line between the formative years and the rest of your lives, and I am sure that the line was transgressed more than once in both directions, and perhaps still is.  Please know that this is not my intent.

 The more I get into the Adult Children of Alcoholics for myself, and the more I hear from those of you who are looking and searching for yourselves, the more I realize how little “independence” you may have from me.

Several weeks after Mother died- or whenever those first days of ‘loneliness’ were over I felt “free” for the first time in my life. I felt that I was my own person. It was a good feeling. I realized then that unbeknownst to me, I had lived a life in my mother’s shadow- always hoping that what I did would meet with her approval.

I don’t want any of you to have to wait until I’m six feet under to get that good good feeling of independence and knowing that you are your own person.

I’m entitled to my own feelings. I may or may not like some of the choices that you make in your lives- but they are your lives and you are the ones that will have to live with your decisions- now and in the future.

So fly each of you- I give you your independence on this Day of Independence and know that as you fly in your freedom you have my love with you.

Mom

The six of us and my parents at their 50th Anniversary Gathering in 2001

I loved getting this letter. As my mother says I was trying to figure out who I was at the time. I always admired my mother. I loved how she related to people and I wanted very much to be like her. I was very aware of where I was falling short by my own assessment and was just beginning to understand that I was not meant to be her… I had to be me.  So, getting this letter was just further validation to the thoughts I was already having. I had to find my own path.

It’s been 23 years since I received this letter and while it was something that I cherished way back then, it is something that I have much more appreciation for now.  Being a mother myself, I have a new appreciation for the gift she gave us as I now know how difficult it is to “let go” of our children.  How incredibly hard it is to see them struggle and yet trust that just like we all have done, they will find their way.  And that way may look very different than what we have in mind.

I will say this… my mother lived up to her words.  And trust me, with the six of us (wild bunch that we were) keeping her promise was challenging at the very least.  My mother has often told me what a good mother she thinks I am.  So you see… I am a lot like her after all.

* Reading from Adult Children of Alcoholics that my mother refers to is posted in on under Free Articles - The Gift of Independence.

Saturday, May 30, 2009 - It was a long and busy day. Chris and I worked with other parents in our high school for the annual Senior All-Night Party project due to come to fruition in just over a week. We got home around 7:00 pm, had our take-out dinner with Ryan and then hunkered down for a movie. Around 11:30 pm I got my aching body up from the couch to go to bed.

Everything was quite normal. But as I got into bed, I felt “different”. Somehow I felt like a bad side cramp coming up and no position could relieve the discomfort. A couple of minutes passed and I found myself tossing and turning, feeling bad because I knew Chris was exhausted and I was not making it easy for him to fall asleep. A couple of minutes later, I was up pacing the room.

By now, Chris is asking me, “Carol, what’s wrong?” I’m trying to explain to him I’m feeling a different kind of pain. Lights go on, and he finds me in agony as I’m writhing in bed. “Do you think you need to go to the ER?” he asks. And because this pain now seems way more than I could handle, my answer is, “Yeah, I think we need to go in.”

Together, Chris and Ryan help me get into the back seat of the car, with a pillow and garbage can (I felt I was going to puke any minute).  Quickly, but apologetically, Chris is driving as fast as he can to get me to the ER because he can hear me moan over every bump and stop he makes with the car. In my mind, I’m feeling deja vu… this is exactly the position I was in 20 years ago when he was rushing me to the hospital while I was in labor with our daughter Allison.

Long story short and about two hours later, post  CAT scan, they confirm a kidney stone. So I now sit here two days post onset waiting for the stone to pass.

I spent that first day home a bit wiped out from all the pain meds and tired out from the ER visit. So I’ve had more quiet time than usual since I’ve canceled some work-related appointments. And here’s the thing I’m most aware… That I am #1 in Chris’s life. I’ve never doubted this, however, in all our busyness of life and with his demanding work schedule these past few months, it would be easy for an outsider to think we weren’t as connected as we actually are.

As I was in the worst of my pains, Chris continually at my side with his loving eyes looking right into mine reassuring and comforting me. He told me how much he wished he could take the pain away, how much he wished it were happening to him instead of me, how much he loved me. When we got home from the ER, he tucked me in bed making sure I was as comfortable as possible. When I was tired from the meds and kept sleeping, he got in bed with me just to be close. He stayed home from work on Monday to continue taking care of me. This was hard for me since for the past couple of months, he has been working crazy long hours.

It’s not that a kidney stone (or any other problem for that matter) has to prove  how much my husband cares for me. I have never doubted how much I am loved in this marriage. Even when we are both going in our different directions, we make the time during the day to cross paths to say we love one another. Life is never too busy for that.

What I know is that when there is authentic love in a marriage, in a family, no matter what happens you’re never alone. And with that you can endure the most challenging of challenges. Kidney stones and all.

Something we enjoy is gathering women for an evening of conversation. It gives us an opportunity to hear what’s on everyone’s mind and in their hearts. We talk about what what’s up now, what lies ahead and how we feel about what we might be leaving or missing as we start new chapters in our lives. When women gather, wisdom is shared. In May we held gatherings in Pleasanton and Cupertino. We gathered women in mid life, teenage girls and even some pre-teens.

We open up and talk about our relationships, our current experiences, our struggles, our joys… and we laugh a lot too! In the end, there’s a special camaraderie amongst all of us. Take a look at some of the things we learn from one another. It’s an article we titled, “Living Your Best is Always Within Reach”. Enjoy.

May 2009 - Meeting in Cupertino

(Left to right, Back Row: Judy Wilson, Dana Kawaguchi,  Joanna Medin, Patti Glick,

Joanne Rose, Lynn Plecque, Winnie Jiang & Cindy Wen

(Left to right, front row sitting on the floor): That’s Carol and Lisa!

 

 

At the end of October, Lisa and I (along with friend, Suman) flew over to Maui to attend a Wayne Dyer conference. We had no idea how many people would attend. For all we knew, it could have been an intimate setting of a under 100 folks or so. But, instead we were in a conference room of about 400 people from all over the states and other continents.

It was the first time for both Lisa and myself to see Wayne in person. He is a very entertaining, down to earth gentleman. He seemed very natural and accommodating to all of us who wanted to meet him, have books signed by him, and take photos with him. He generously accommodated the hundreds of folks who wanted to connect with him no matter how brief it had to be. I liked how the first night he arrived very casual in shorts. He also invited anyone who was willing to wake up before sunrise the next morning to join him at the Bikram yoga studio he attends on the island. And many did, our friend Suman being one of them.

Carol & Wayne Dyer

We all walked away inspired in some form or another. This conference was to introduce the concepts of his new book due out in May 2009, Excuses Begone. Until his book comes out, Lisa and I would like to share our notes. So if you’re interested, take a look. There may be some tidbits for you to ward off excuses that are holding you back!

 

My mother-in-law, Arlene, lives in Santa Barbara. It’s day two of the Santa Barbara/Montecito “Tea Fire”. Unfortunately she was one of the over 5,000 homeowners who had to evacuate. I spoke to her the morning after it began and she was staying with local friends. It was a quick conversation as we were talking on her cell phone and she was concerned about how much more time she would have before her battery ran out. As anyone in her position, it is in afterthought she wished she remembered the charger. But when one is rushed to make urgent decisions, a cell phone charger is clearly not on the priority list.

In those minutes that she did have to gather things, she took her computer, some irreplaceable music from her years and years of dance and one photo of her daughter Lydia. It was one she knew could not be replaced.

For as long as I have known my mother-in-law, (now over 23 years) she is what I would describe a woman of resilience. Arlene is an adventurous woman and with that comes many life experiences that will test how one handles the unexpected and stressful. I know so many folks who if given the same circumstances, would be devastated, overwhelmed, depressed or angry. For example, when she was traveling in the south of France a few years ago, she stopped in a little town cafe to get lunch. Upon her return, her car windows were smashed in and all her possesions on the trip were stolen… passport, luggage, IPOD, camera, clothing, medicines, and all the souvenirs she had collected while on her on the 3-week trip.

Now most folks would have focused on being overwhelmed. But when we spoke with her just hours after it occurred, although initially discouraged about losing “things”, she was more focused on how helpful and kind the French police and embassy had been to her! It is this kind of attitude that I respect and admire about her. She chooses how she will experience her life. And that is the key to resilience and life-long happiness.

This morning, Chris (my husband, her son) called her to check up on how she was doing. After he got off the phone he described her as “energetic” and being her usual self; that is, taking a bad situation and making it into one that she could feel empowered and find ways to serve others in need. She had spent five hours yesterday training with the Red Cross so she could help others in need for these upcoming days of uncertainty. There’s still no guarantee that her home will survive this fire until we all know it’s been 100% contained. Everyone is still at the mercy of the unpredictability of the winds.

I am hopeful that she will return to her home that Chris and his sisters were raised in. But in practicing resiliency as she so eloquently does, particularly in times of great challenge and adversity, I want her to know what a role model she is for me personally. In my own work supporting others in times of struggles, Arlene is one of the many teachers who support the belief in the power of choosing our thoughts and thus, affecting the perception of what we experience. She clearly chooses positive over negative, empowering over dis-empowering, creator over victim.

Arlene with daughters, Rachel & Lydia

So if each of us has the power to choose, and we know we do, then imagine the difference our own quality of life could be if we focus on those thoughts that support us and make us stronger … more resilient.

All my positive thoughts are will you, Arlene.