Family on the Edge

It’s the middle of summer already and I find myself eager and anxious at the same time. Nick graduated from high school in June and is getting ready to head off to college. He’s busy enjoying his last summer with his high school friends before they all go their separate ways and I am getting my arms wrapped around my empty nest. It’s an exciting time for Nick and yet, I expect that his excitement is partnered with some anxiety about what it all looks like, how he will do in his new environment and the independence that goes along with leaving home… even when it is to dorm life at Sacramento State.

I have had my own graduation of sorts… after three years of participating in, facilitating and coordinating a divorced and separated ministry through my church, the Catholic Community of Pleasanton, I am stepping down from my role and stepping into life after divorce. Of course, I’ve been in life after divorce for a while now. That’s kind of the nature of divorce. You have no choice but to step into it rather quickly. But this is different- more exciting and hugely scary.

For three years I have been blessed to have some extraordinary folks accompany me in my journey and let me accompany them in theirs. These are men and women of all ages whose life on some level fell apart when their marriages ended. For some the choice to end their marriage was of their making… for others the choice was made for us. The amazing thing is, that in spite of the sometimes overwhelming chaos of this time, they found the courage to feel the fear and do it anyway and to find their spring after the harsh winter of divorce. This experience has been not only life changing for me… it has been life giving. Who knew that something that can be so devastating could also be the catalyst for simply amazing insight and growth?

The time has come for both Nick and me to fly solo…. to see how we do with our new wings. I have this burning question constantly running through my head these days… and it is the same for both Nick’s next passage and for the upcoming changes in my life…. Have I done enough?

Nick has been and continues to be a joy in my life. He is an amazing young man who has made my heart sing since day one (and yes… sometimes that singing might have sounded more like a shriek but that’s to be expected). Our relationship over the years has been close and I feel like I’ve been a pretty darned good parent for the most part… but now I start wondering… have I been good enough?

For myself… I’ve done a tremendous amount of introspective work to rediscover who I am, what my values are and to align the two the best I can. I’m very pleased with the work I’ve done and the life I have and yet the question still burns inside me… have I done enough? Have I done enough work to know how to navigate gracefully in life when so much about it is changing? Have I done enough work to break free of some of my crippling old tapes and mind chatter or at least notice when the old tapes are running?

I know this… When I can step back (or more accurately stand firmly in the present), I am sure that all is well with the world and that Nick and I will both be fine. In fact, we’ll be better than fine. We will shine! The thing I have to remember is that doing well doesn’t necessarily mean that we won’t stumble- we will. It simply means that when we do, we’ll have to re-ground ourselves, shake off the dust, re-fluff our wings and then be off again. Just like life. Some things will always be the same.

To Carol, Fr. Padraig Greene of CCOP, my family, my D/S friends and Elvis… thank you for being the wind beneath my wings. I will forever be grateful for the blessing of your presence in my life.

So here’s to WINGS… and to taking flight! May we all SOAR!

Some of you know that we belong to local networking groups. I (Carol) am currently the president of our local Cupertino BNI (Business Networking International) Chapter, called Business Builders. I’m really honored to be on the leadership team of such a great group of local business folks.

I read a newsletter from Brian Tracy, well-known motivational speaker. I invite you to read his article, “7 Qualities of Visionary Leadership”. He speaks not just to “leaders” in business, but more importantly how to be the leader in your own life.

At Family on the Edge we believe that locked in struggle and chaos of family crisis presents the opportunity for turning heartbreak into new beginnings. We work with families to rediscover and rekindle the hopes and dreams to be the family you want to and can become. If you are a family struggling we begin by asking the simple question, “What is it you want for yourself?” Because we know that it is not until you gain clarity for your own needs and wants within the family unit can you become unstuck from the family chaos and struggle. And it begins by taking charge and responsibility of your own life. Working with us will help you define what that looks like and just how you can make it happen.

Parents, if you seek to help your teen learn to become a leader of his or her own life, then you must model what you want to teach. Family on the Edge Coaching can help. Contact us at carol@familyontheedge.com or call (408) 255-1173 or (925) 600-1765 for your COMPLIMENTARY session.

Saturday, May 10, 2008. We launched our workshop, Back2Me. Nine powerful women took on the task of self-discovery and inquiry at this workshop. “Who am I today when stripped of all the roles I have been to so many that include wife, mother, caretaker, friend, daughter-in-law, etc.?” And we commend each of them for their honesty and their participation in what exposed many raw and heart-wrenching emotions. The intent of the workshop was to help each woman name what change(s) they are facing in their current life. And from there, we helped her identify the blocks that are getting in the way as well as the next steps she will take to embrace the strong and evolved woman she is in order to move forward.

The comments we received included, “It was way more than what I had expected! It was awesome!” and “Great content, good pace and provoked insights.” When asked what was the most significant thing they took from the workshop, we received comments about how powerful it was to accept being present in the moment, that “loving myself is OK”, and “That I am not alone in my journey.”

Next up: A follow-up teleconference call to check in on the actions to support themselves and then the follow-on workshop to maintain and sustain the blossom of these flourishing women.

The camaraderie exhibited during these workshops continues to confirm the power of women and their support for one another. What an honor to be a part of that.

April 29, 2008 — It is with such a heavy heart I share our family’s sad news that we had to say good-bye to our dear Mocha (11+ years) this morning. Our emotions are so raw yet, however, I wanted to let family and friends know about her passing. Those who know us, know that Mocha brought more joy than any pet owner can imagine.

Since December 2006 when we lost Mocha’s sister, Kona, we made sure Mocha didn’t feel the loss as we certainly did. Mocha became our priority in many ways. She loved her walks and in no time, she trained both Chris and me that she had to have two a day! So in the mornings, it was Mocha and me; in the evenings the three of us took to the neighborhood streets. People always commented because she was so well behaved; she didn’t need to have a leash. We always received comments of praise for such a good little dog! And she loved sitting out in the front yard just for the glimpse of the neighborhood cats and squirrels.

The photo below is the last family picture we took on April 24th, Ryan’s 17th birthday. My sister Cindy and her family, husband, Paul and two daughters Courtney and Sara, came to celebrate. We knew Mocha was sick, but still had great hopes we would find a cure for the internal bleed she was suffering from.

On April 25th, we asked Allison to come home to spend what would be her last time with dear Mocha. Needless to say, it was very sad for her to say good-bye as she returned to school.

As many of you pet owners experience yourselves, though our pets can’t talk to us, we give them a voice and we can even read their minds! We know the subtleties of their expressions, their behaviors and we know they actually do smile when they’re happy!

Chris and I talk about how painful it is to lose a beloved pet. (This is our 4th dog we shared together). However, we loved Mocha fully and we know she loved us back. We have no regrets.

The tears are far from over for our family. And as difficult as it is for us right now, we embrace the immense sadness we feel because we also know it goes hand in hand with the great joy she has provided us over the years. Dear Mocha… we will miss you so much. You will always be loved and remembered by each of us.

We know a number of families who are facing an issue that certainly causes stress and puts their family on edge. That is, when it comes time to face the future of their aging parents. For many, the issue may come to a crisis point when a parent faces an acute health issue which requires hospitalization and then an uncertain recovery process, possibly requiring the transition into a long-term assisted living facility. Rare is the elderly couple who actually plans for that transitional move. Many hope they will be able to live in their home “forever”.

What that leaves is the responsibility to be put upon their children. And that usually happens in a crisis-type situation. Decisions must be made every which way and it can totally overwhelm everyone involved. But there are resources out there to support that transition. Locally, we met two women who have the compassion and love for the elderly population and who treat everyone in the families involved with the respect and support to guide them through.

Kay Jackson is an eldercare adviser who works for A Place for Mom, a national organization that provides free referral service helping families find nursing homes, assisted living, Alzheimer’s care, retirement communities, home care, and other senior care options. Kay is one of the experienced advisers who has assisted numerous families in the Bay Area with the difficult task of selecting senior care. She is such a lovely woman, who could put anyone at ease once you meet her. You feel her warmth the moment you meet her.

We also met Karen Midlo, Director of Community Relations at Sunrise Senior Living, here in Sunnyvale, CA. Karen has worked years in this industry. She gave us the tour of the Sunnyvale facility. The facility is absolutely lovely and loving. Everywhere we turned, there was a caregiver who seemed so authentic in their interactions with these elderly folks. The facility’s Principles of Service begins with Preserving the Dignity of their seniors. And Karen certainly treats them as such, respectful as she interacts with them. She truly has a genuine passion to care for the elderly.

And if you have an elderly parent facing Alzheimer’s, take a look at this link to begin your research for support.

If you are a family facing this major transition, reach out for help. You don’t have to do this alone. Save as much of your quality self for your parents. They need you most now.

Last month, we invited a few women to spend an intimate evening with us. Our purpose was to gather a group of creative, fun, and resilient women who are currently facing some kind of life change and willing to share about the transition process they are in or will be facing. Each person’s current or impending change is unique. However, there was such a camaraderie felt when it came to sharing with one another. Changes included empty nests, changes in significant relationships, bereavement/grief, the challenges of being sandwiched in between generations, as well as a sense to reinvent in order to find a new purpose to fulfill.It was an experience for all. Some of the comments we received included:

WOW!!! I wasn’t expecting the emotions, but you certainly knew everyone would need some Kleenex. I believe your evening struck a chord with everyone and I know your workshop will serve us all as we journey through our personal transitions. What a powerful group of ladies.

Thanks for a great evening! I shall treasure my box…says Journey on the outside…trust on the inside. Trust the Journey…Wow!

Last night was super fun. You and Lisa ran a great group, and I am excited about your workshops!

That was a great group of women and I enjoyed hearing all the different experiences and their thoughts on life. After listening to everyone, I really felt that I am in a great place in my life and I definitely need to embrace that, as it can change at any given moment.

Women are wonderful people! There is such a willingness to express, share, and connect. What a comfort to know we are so willing to reach out to one another to support, empathize and brainstorm ideas. For us, it confirms that we never have to be alone on our paths.

Please stay posted. We are creating a workshop for the May time frame, both in person and as a teleseminar to reach out to others to provide support and connection. Let us know if you’re interested and we’ll be sure to put you on our mailing list. We would love to have you meet and find comfort in associating with like-minded women.

However, if you or someone you know is currently struggling with a challenging life event, please contact us. We are here to serve you.

Sometimes life circumstances can be so daunting that it’s all we can do to get by.  Our sense of what’s true and what’s sure dissolves in an instant and we have to sort things out again.  Or as some say, find a new normal.  And while one part of our life is crumbling we often find ourselves having to participate in the rest of our lives as if everything is okay.  I remember such a time in my life.  A time where I knew what I wanted.  I would even say that I knew that what I wanted was already true and yet I had been so shaken that I didn’t have the resources within me to own that.  So I wore a mask to hide my fear, uncertainty and doubt. 

At the end of September 2005, my marriage came to an abrupt end. Of course, since that time I have come to realize that my marriage died a long, slow and painful death not the sudden death that I found myself in the midst of on that memorable September day.  But at the time life as I knew it was over in an instant.  We had been married for almost 18 years and had a somewhat complicated family.  I was my now ex husband’s third wife and he had a child from each marriage.  He had two daughters (one from each of his previous marriages) and the son that we had together.   Over the course of our marriage, as fragmented as we started as a family, we grew together and indeed were a cohesive family unit.  This was and is a feat that we all created and that we all can be proud of as it required a letting go of the old and accepting the new to make it happen.  We each saw things as they really were and chose to make it work, in spite of the difficulties.

This is a picture of my family (my 2 step-daughters, my son and me) that was taken in November 2005.  The girls live on the East Coast and my son and I live on the West Coast, so this picture of us was taken the first time we saw each other after the breakup of the marriage.  I know we look like a happy family on the surface and yet I know for sure we were all hiding behind a mask at the time.  The masks that we wore contained all of our feelings and emotions- some of which we showed and most of which we hide as they were too raw to expose. I love this picture because it tells a story and it has a secret.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words and that is so true of this one.  It speaks of truth and lies, it speaks of hopes and fears, and it speaks of a past and a yet undefined future.  And… what’s true is that all of it was real at the time.  This is a picture of four people who were brought together (and at some level even created) by someone who no longer was part of the picture.  We all love each other and yet being together (when this picture was taken) was a painful reminder of what we had all lost.  We were together and yet we were fractured.  We still needed to discover how we would again fit together. While I can’t speak for how the others felt, it was hard.  I had been part of their lives for over 18 years, we had definitely bonded and yet I wasn’t sure at the time that it was enough.  Was I enough? Were we going to be able to stay bonded even in the absence of what originally brought us together?  I thought I knew the answer, but until I was sure, I wore the mask that hid my fear.

And for that time, the mask protected me.  It showed what I wanted to be true, what I hoped would be true but in the moment I was so unsure of. 

Two some years later, the mask is off. The pieces are back together and stronger than ever.  We are a family of choice.  It means for us that we’ve had to let go of the “roles” and establish or confirm our relationship for what it is.  We are four people who opened our hearts to one another knowing that the form doesn’t matter.  It is simply a matter of the heart.

Today is my son Nick’s 18^th birthday… On Friday, Nick left for a weekend trip to Mexico where with other teens and parents they will build a house for a family in need. As Nick left, I was extremely proud of him- both for what he was doing this weekend and for who he is as a person. I also found myself in this bittersweet position- I was both excited and sad. I said goodbye to Nick as a 17 year old and he will come home today as a legal adult. It hit me that soon I will be saying goodbye to him as he heads off to college and I will have an empty nest. That is a daunting thought, but one for another day. Today I want to celebrate Nick.

Nick is compassionate, intelligent, handsome, witty, funny, creative, resilient and wise beyond his years. As a baby I would sing to him “wild thing, you make my heart sing, you make everything groovy”. A bit hokey I expect but it worked then and it has continued to be “our song”. Every holiday, birthday, etc. always includes that one line from the song. And the thing is… its true! Nick has made my heart sing now for 18 years. What could be groovier than that?

We’re at that place where it’s time for me to let go and to give him his wings. And I do so both joyfully and reluctantly. The joy comes in knowing that he is well prepared and ready to fly. I look forward to seeing his life unfold~ bumps and all. My reluctance is simply that I will miss seeing him on a daily basis. The days that Nick will be living at home with me are now numbered, even if I don’t quite know what the number is. It reminds me of the story of 1000 marbles where a man realizes that his days with his family are numbered… and he chooses to have them count, have them be the very best. So today, on Nick’s 18^th birthday, I’m going to choose too. I choose to make every moment and every day I have with Nick count, not to sweat the small stuff and to be ever so grateful for this exceptional blessing and gift that Nick is, and has been, for me.

Trees have become a very powerful guide for me as I navigate through my own life transitions. About four years ago I found a book called, Seasons of Change by Carol McClelland, Ph.D. The book is based on the concept of using nature’s wisdom to help us grow from adverse and even crisis-type events. The premise is that life transitions, including adversity and crisis, progress in a natural cycle, just as nature itself unfolds. Because this metaphor is so powerful, Lisa and I are both certified Seasons of Change coaches.

One significant tree that has helped me through my own struggles is a neighbor’s cherry tree right outside my door. Years ago when we first moved into our home, this tree would blossom every spring and during the winds, as her flowering blossoms shed, they would remind me of little ballerina tutus flying in the air.

However in the past 4 to 5 years, this tree seemed to have contracted some kind of disease. I was sad when I saw our neighbors had many of the branches cut away. I was expecting that one day soon someone was coming to cut down the trunk and eventually remove the remaining stump. But each year passes and it’s still here with us.

This tree is special to me because it represents such resiliency. The damaged trunk and branches remind me of people who have had disease, heartbreak, adversity or crisis. And yet somehow her inner spirit of resiliency has found its way out.

Life is about facing challenges. For some, we have become broken or weakened from the loss of a loved one, loss of a dream, of a belief, or of hope. And for others, we may face storms that are so tragic that we can never imagine it possible to overcome them, but something in us prevails. In all cases, we are never the same. This neighboring cherry tree of mine surely shows what resiliency can look like. In it, I see hope and inner strength.

Lastly, here are photos of a few other trees I took around my neighborhood. I’ve jotted down my impressions of these trees as it relates to many of our life journeys. Tell me if these trees represent anything different to you. And the next time you are strolling around, take a look at the trees and see if you might connect in some way yourself. I receive an incredible amount of strength from the wisdom that trees and nature offers. And now, I hope you can too.

This reminds me how important it is we support our young children and teens.

… and this tree reminds me how we need to care for the elderly.

When I saw this dead branch on this otherwise strong and healthy pine tree, it reminded me how we need to shed old habits and let go of ways of thinking or behaving that no longer serve our best interest.

I belong to a great networking group here in town. It’s called the Business Builders BNI (Business Networking International) Chapter of Cupertino. It’s a group of business folks like myself who are committed to learning about one another’s businesses well enough so we can make qualified referrals for each other.

This past week (2/21/08) the Mayor of Cupertino, Dolly Sandoval, came to visit. Take a look at the fun photo! Cupertino BNI Members. (Dolly is in the lavender suit and I’m standing behind her towards the right). Our chapter is celebrating its 5-year anniversary this month of March so what a lovely gesture on Dolly’s part to come and recognize this milestone.

Learn more about our chapter and all the local resources at www.CupertinoBNI.com. And please, feel free to contact me if you are in need of a local service . I’m happy to help you make a connection with someone you can trust and will serve your needs!